Love lost in the summer days..


The air around me is heavy with all the promises you breathed to me in a heartbeat that, I, failed to miss. The smell of soap on your t-shirt so smoky, it fills my throat and hangs suspended there until I gulp down the horrors that I quite didn’t anticipate. I thought summer was beautiful until I felt the heat of you spreading through me like a wildfire, blazing my insides and torpedoing the remains of hope I’ve been hiding within. 

The night never was darker, the days never brighter. The weekends weren’t merrier and the wine never sweeter. It was the summer that swallowed me in its wake, like a thunderstorm with wings capitulating me ruthlessly. I was floundering with ease, counting our breaths like a ritual I’ve held dear to me.
Some odd years down the lane, the memories inside your shoe box smother me, photographs drowned with sepia that lie inside the bag pack I refuse to be apart from give me a gist of a fairy tale that we could have been. But I swallow the summer whole and look away at the horizon wondering if that’s how it was supposed to be?

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Do you suffocate?


When you split your fingers and open your palm, a little sunlight enters your hand and reflects on your side-face like it is peeping through the window of your bedroom at 8 am but this time, you don’t frown or pull your covers over your face. Instead, you throw a smile that reaches the corners of your eyes that are now brazen. You have been wearing this smile for years now, trying to camouflage all that you’ve been hiding under your skin. Does it feel any different under this winter sun? Or does it look like another felony about to overthrow the garb that you’re wearing?
 Do you suffocate? 


You did not notice that I notice what your draw on your dinner plate with your spoon spinning on its circumference and your eyes fixed at the oblique, trying to gauge something that’s been hidden for a very very long time. I think I’ve only known the skin and flesh that you’re made of because you set barriers so high like the Berlin wall blocking the corridors that lead to your heart. I’ve tried to ignore looking into your eyes that wanted to start conversations about the unknown, I’d figure it wouldn’t be palpable. But now I look at your face and I know the wind doesn’t blow beneath your wings anymore and I know, I was the one who snatched it away. 

But do you suffocate? 

Paint me!


Shuffling hands on my skin like you’re trying to collect patches of ink that has been smothered all over me. Wrying on the oblong, striving to copy the intricate details painted on the surface with utmost delicacy. Maybe you’re trying to establish the alacrity of this semblance or you’re having fun playing with your hands that are made of art. Your fingertips are leaving unexceptional pride on my skin, carving hope out of my disappointment.


Your touch is sucking my craft, as gullible as my body is becoming to you. You’re drawing me in and then you’re thinning me out. You’re destroying my imagination, you’re painting me new with your colours, the colours that tickle your soul. You’re recreating me. You’re sweeping me clean and you’re making a new art out of me, Your art.

NO BODY SHAMING!

I’ve been into the swathes of body shaming and back. The world is a limited space with some set standards of physical appearance forced onto us as ‘must haves’. The notion of physical attraction has been corroborated with stupid perfection-mired requirements that are cutting through our self-esteem and destroying whatever little was left of our confidence. 
I’m 20 and over 12-15 kgs over-weight. I have stretch marks on my arms, my hamstring, my abdomen and even on my waist and chest. I am not very tall and I have fat thighs that touch when I walk. My hair aren’t perfect either, they don’t stay in place even for a couple of hours. But so what? I have seen people, women more than men, drifting into a major depression because of body shaming. I’ve been through the humiliation of being called fat and looked upon as someone who is a complete mis-fit.


Like any one else, I have always wanted to stay fit and be attractive and have people looking at me at least twice. I’ve envied all the lean girls in my class wearing whatever dress that they find pretty. Unlike them, I had to spend hours on shopping because I couldn’t find a top that would not hug my curvy body or a pair of jeans that doesn’t make my thigh fat bulge out. It was exhausting, draining and consuming me, day after day not that I don’t work out or eat healthy, my body has a weak metabolism which makes it prone to putting on more weight than so many other people.
But now I realise that it was more in my mind than in the mind of others. Having being raised right, I was never taught to judge anyone based on how they look and what colour their skin is or what body type they have. However, the world is a cruel place and there are people who would die to get a size zero. I’m sorry but I cannot be one of them. Not today, not tomorrow.


There are people who are slammed for being too thin or being too fat, being too pale or being too dark, being too tall or being too short. We as humans need to love and respect the body we live in. You don’t have to look like Russian models or Kingfisher girls. Don’t starve yourself or eat junk food to gain a couple of pounds. This is a world where nobody accepts anybody, you can at least be nice enough to accept and respect the way you look. Be confident, take pride in who you are. And stop being offended with people calling you fat or short or thin or whatever, You should not see anything wrong with being any of these. 
Please just know, your body is the greatest gift of god to you. Don’t curse it because you’re directly assaulting your mind in that process. Balance your living. Eat what you feel like, wear whatever you want to wear. Exercise when you eat a pizza, run an extramile when you want to let go of the stress and please, say no to BODY SHAMING.

THE ATM GUARD!

A big hello to my fellow bloggers on this blogosphere. I’ve been away for months now. Blame it on all that you have to do to get going! I think I needed a break from everything and every-thing. However, I’ve missed you guys and specially missed all my amazing friends here! 

I’ve come up with something amazing for you guys. There is this short film about an ATM guard shot by my friends at the university. It is amazing and I was totally flattered after I watched it. I’m sure you don’t want to miss it.

This is the wonderful poster.

And given below is the link that will redirect you to youtube (where the film has been uploaded).

The ATM Guard (CLICK HERE) ^_^
Please like, share and subscribe and don’t forget to give your precious reviews. 

Good day! I’ll be back sooooooon!

Misplaced. Misunderstood. Mistaken.


I’ve learned that with people like me, who have taken absurd exception to the ability of expressing their love or concern with words and pleasant actions, life is a lot tougher and usually passes in absolute isolation. I’ve always been a staunch supporter of showing love but it just doesn’t happen when it should, and on other times, it is just not as relevant. 

There have been people I’ve loved more than I’ve loved myself, I’ve been there for them whenever time and situations demanded but life has found ways to befool me in ways that I fail to understand. You know, that feeling you get when somebody who has your heart comes and tell you that they’re disappointed because they feel they don’t hold a lot of worth in your life. That feeling is quite similar to being punched in the middle of your chest and you just wouldn’t catch back breath until it settles in. And well, it never does. 


I am not really an introvert, never been one. I mean I won’t count as an introvert unless I unbecome the chatter box that I am right? However, letting people in my inner shell is a task. I want to show them the real person that I am but it just doesn’t happen, not until I lock horns with own self and rebellion is just not my thing. And you know, explaining people what lonely means to me is so tough that I’d better shut up and let what they throw at me sink. And sometimes, I become so unaware of my surroundings that what I feel becomes surreal. I am not lost, not really but it happens in a heartbeat and suddenly, I’m paying more attention to what my nails look like or what the universe is made of. You know, like I’m treading a path that I don’t know the direction of but I want to keep walking because what people tell me has become a routine, like my inner self knows will come some day sooner or later. In fact, my inner self constantly lives in a fear of it and whenever it happens, I feel like I have to walk faster and faster. Often times, I want somebody to catch my hand while I’m telling them to leave me alone and hold me with such love that this entire drama of vulnerable lonely self disappears but apparently, life is too demanding and people too impatient.


Sometimes, I think it is really selfish of me to expect them to understand when even I am not sure about what I feel, what am I doing and where am I going. Life is a silly thing that makes us believe that the world should revolve around us and believe me, it has really clever ways of doing so. I’ve accepted things as they are because they’ve been this way for as long as I can remember and forever is a long time right? I’m not unhappy but I’m not happy either and there’s a lot of difference that only people hanging in the middle would understand. Life is so underrated and so misunderstood. It is so romanticised that it has lost meaning for most of us who live in a constant paranoia. I think, there can be 2 people, both lonely and yet in ways so different that they’d never get to each other. I wonder why it is so difficult to tell them what you feel, I know it is really tough because even words fail me when I want to write them about it. This too shall pass.

There is hope! 

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. There is a voice that starts from the bottom of my belly but fails to reach my mouth, it gets stuck somewhere in the backside of my throat. My body mechanics has started betraying me as well, the tears do well up in my eyes but they refuse to fall. I’ve trapped myself in my eyes. I’m not sure I’ll get to you but you get to me. 


I want to scream until every part of my body hurts, I want my heart to have an orgasm. I want to scream so loud that the universe is blown away into a black hole. I think that would be my safe valve. I have so much fire inside me that the world might burn down to ashes if I open up to it. I want to bleach myself black because I like it, I don’t want you to touch me. Not today.


I feel there are mosses clinging to my skin, biting me in tandem. I want to shrug them off but my hands won’t reach the middle of my back, there,where my energies rest. So I let them be, they’re starting to become friends with my body. They are consuming me, whole of me, slowly. 

Have you ever tried running so fast that you feel you could die? Like you could be so tired and your body won’t make up for the energy you lost? Like if you lie down, you’d never be able to get up. Does that scare you? Because it does not scare me anymore.


I feel like the walls of my stomach will burst with everything that I’ve hidden there, away from my mind and heart. I feel like there’s an enormous space inside me, empty and wild. I am surprised how I started paying that kind of attention to myself, my void was better when I didn’t know it existed.

I’m closing my eyes tonight like I close them everyday. I hope tomorrow will bring a new life for I’m willing to wait. I refuse to quit. Even if it is a sad life, it is mine. After all, the grass is greener where we water it. I’m not dying, not today.