You! Yes you!
Are you doing it right?
What is with criticism that the fire burning aloof of all the discrepancies that are capable of haunting its efficacy, cools down in a stint?
What exactly is the impediment that can make you call quits on everything you had ever dreamt of?
Critiques? Yes, them.
I fail to understand why we let ourselves be guided by animosity and snobbery in the first place. I also do not understand why we tend to believe in everything but our own self?
As a girl of 10, I was very shy and mostly kept to myself. I was guarded by the fact that people might mock at me, call me names and might not allow me to eat my lunch with them. This fear had a disastrous effect on me and I was morally and emotionally crippled for about 3 years until Mother came to the rescue of my soul submerged under debris of self doubt and fear of criticism. But first things first, in all those 3 years of constant restitution of self, I also did hurt my principles. And that hurts some corners of my mind after all these years.
I hated how my mom used to do my hair, it certainly didn’t go with what other girls at school would accept. So as soon as father dropped me to school, I used to rush to the girls room to fix my hair. But what killed my morals was that there was something I was doing without the consent and knowledge of my mother. I was basically cheating her and I had a deep seated remorse for the act too, but of course, it didn’t help. The desire to be one of them had actually outweighed my mother’s parental teachings. I went to the point where I threw away the lunch that mom packed for me and instead, I used to eat at the cafeteria with my girlfriends. And with everytime I threw that lunch, I also left a part of my soul into that dustbin.
I had always dreamt of serving the Indian military, as a kid of 7, I used to pick toy rifles and machine guns over barbies. But the girls I used to hang out with were aspiring to be entrepreneurs, actors, fashion designers, bankers and like. I remember telling them about my dreams and ambitions one afternoon, and I remember how they looked at me awkwardly and laughed until they couldn’t laugh anymore, It might sound like an exaggeration but the sound of their mean laughters haunted me for innumerable days. And I for once, almost gave up on my dreams. I had turned thirteen the very day they broke my dreams, unintentionally or Uhm, Unknowingly? But the damage had been done. I tried watching fashion shows and business news but lack of interest only got me frustrated.
And that’s when my guardian angel got me. Mom got me!
I had been keeping my distance from mom so that she doesn’t know what I’ve been doing but Mom’s always do. They just always do. She told me that she knew how I’ve been doing my hair and not eating my lunch and I stared at her pretty face with utter shock and horror. I had hurt her. She should be yelling at me and sending me to boarding school but she lay my head on her lap and asked me to not lose the unique gift of the ‘self’ that had been bestowed upon me by the lord, she told me that the people who don’t have dreams of themselves should not have the power to talk you out of yours. She told me I was to be embraced not accepted. She told me that If I believed in myself, the world would too.
And in that moment, I was a million colors of noone but myself. I was flowing in the winds of security and self reliance. I had found myself, embraced myself. It suddenly became way too easier.
A good deal of years have passed now, I am preparing for the test I have to take for the military. I have had male chauvinists, Orthodox society and stupid people trying to talk me into quitting on my dreams, but it is like, when you embrace yourself, the sounds of stoic criticism falls on deaf years. Persistence and hardwork, and you are there. Keep going. People will come and go, do not stop following your dreams. To be happy is to know that whatever you are doing is for the best of you and is right for you. Rest, god takes care of. Do not lose principle. Do not lose your ‘self’.
And, mothers always do know everything! *wink* 😆
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