Does it bother you too?

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I know this is long, But read. :

It is so easy to understand what things we’re made of, but what things make us is still a question ignored more often than not. But I’m not going there today. Yes, I want to talk about the universe and its varied forms and the energies that hold these forms together and also about the mild and the cold, sword and roses, magnets and granites. But no, I’ll stop Right here.
I am under covers and I look really sick to myself as of now. No, nothing wrong happened to me. My family is well by god’s grace and no fuckboy messed with my heart either, I’m not broke and I have my birthday in a few days. It is nothing big, it is nothing I understand. I want to stay under covers Today and curse everyone and everything that’s around me. I want to crib until I fall asleep. And I want to write this post without taking a tour of my imagination and without using fancy words. You know, it is almost like my heart hung low to my knees.
But why…?
I’ll tell you.
I’ve been living a mechanic life for 4 months now and I love it for it is for the very attainment of my ambition. I had my spirits high until I took a ‘break’. Working all day long for a good number of days straight, I never had the time to administer the kind of mental state I was pushing myself into. And then the sophomore party happened, and I being a senior had to give myself a break and manage everything. That’s when I shaved my arms, did manicures and relaxed and I evaluated what was going in and around me. I don’t treat myself for my achievements and I don’t punish myself for the loss, I’ve been staying away from all kind of distractions and overlooking Good guys at college who notice me a lot. I’ve been less and less on phone with my best friend and I am not being a very nice daughter either.

I am the kind of person who believes that these are mere luxuries and I can get to them once I get to my ambition, but I’m also the kind of person who believes that I am losing the best of my college days. And today, both these stupid persons inside my overweight body are at war. So I’m under covers and pretending I’m sick so no one would distract me.
However, I know who is going to win. The person who is obsessed with her ambition will win. I know myself enough to make that judgement. It bothers me when I do not go boxing and do squats, it bothers me when i am not able to write what I want to write and even more when I’m unable to garner readers who would take interest in whatever words I spit on paper. It bothers me when I get drunk and not get up at 5 the next morning. It makes me self critical and I go too hard on myself. I even take the liberty of regarding myself as a complete loser and this is a harmful exercise for my self confidence. So you know now.

I believe that the worst you can do is to be dishonest to your own heart because that same heart will grow into regret and demand answers in the future. So why take that risk?
Knowing what you want is like treading the path of it, and being honest with what you want is like reaching halfway.

Tonight, I’ll let my distractions take a back seat and let both my persons arrive at a conclusion that would suit me the best. I’m sure both my persons will not let me down today.
Because, it bothers me.
Does it bother you too?

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37 thoughts on “Does it bother you too?

  1. Balance is hard to achieve but it is the only way to meet our needs. I’m confident that you will find your way there and be able to accomplish your dreams without missing out on the other important things in life. Enjoy the process of achievement.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Oh how very well I can relate to what you have written! So may I take the liberty to share with you important wisdom from the Toa Te Ching? This powerfully spoke to me quite some time ago, and I am trying to live more this way now…

    “When desires are constantly stimulated, people become disturbed and confused.
    “Therefore, the wise person sets an example by emptying her mind,
    opening her heart,
    relaxing her ambitions,
    relinquishing her desires,
    cultivating her character.
    Having conquered her own cunning and cravings, she cannot be manipulated by anyone.

    “Do by not-doing.
    Act with nonaction.
    Allow order to arise of itself.”

    May these ancient words of wisdom also speak to you and bring to you some measure of peace … and may God bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ((HUGZ))

    I can ot tell you how to live your life, I can not even truly guide you. What I can do is offer you some really sound advice: Learn how to compartmentalize your life, TAKE A BREAK (15 minutes every 4 hours), schedule play time, laugh at what you can not control, and remember to be kind to yourself.
    I see so many college kids working their asses off, never to be reminded that they are human, prone to mistakes, prone to strange desires, prone to work themselves into unhealthy situations.
    There are time for distractions, and they come in the form of weekends! Still tell everyone you are sick… but go outside and birdwatch, or boywatch, or something that makes you smile… life is too short to kill yourself working!

    ((HUGZ))

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can see you are getting very good advice from your readers. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you need to change, you can take simple steps to overcome and be confident in yourself. Enjoy the journey and don’t dwell so much on the end goal. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You have the self-awareness to step back and reflect on what’s going on around you — that’s a huge thing to be able to do at any age. Learn from the pain, because nothing is worth anything without that stinging, fucking pain. BUT also know that life brings happiness and laughter, and how are we to appreciate all that without knowing what suffering is, as well? Chin up, darling, and just let it ride. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. At my age I have arrived where I have been trying to get too and days of staying under the covers to close my eyes aren longer on my mind. I have more days behind me than ahead of me and I want to make the best of each of them that I can.
    You just do what you must do to travel the path you wish to travel and some days just staying under the covers is important to allow your body to catch up.
    Remember it is all good.
    This is an excellent post and I enjoy your writing very much.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
    ~Helen Keller

    Great ambition is the passion of a great character. Those endowed with it may perform very good or very bad acts. All depends on the principles which direct them.
    ~Napoleon Bonaparte

    I have had my share of these experiences in my early days. I totally understand where you’re coming from. It had bothered me in the past, but, eventually I got through with it, and started to reboot myself and my ambitions. It’s hard but I did it.

    Great post. I like your mind and your perspectives on life. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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