I know this is long, But read. :
It is so easy to understand what things we’re made of, but what things make us is still a question ignored more often than not. But I’m not going there today. Yes, I want to talk about the universe and its varied forms and the energies that hold these forms together and also about the mild and the cold, sword and roses, magnets and granites. But no, I’ll stop Right here.
I am under covers and I look really sick to myself as of now. No, nothing wrong happened to me. My family is well by god’s grace and no fuckboy messed with my heart either, I’m not broke and I have my birthday in a few days. It is nothing big, it is nothing I understand. I want to stay under covers Today and curse everyone and everything that’s around me. I want to crib until I fall asleep. And I want to write this post without taking a tour of my imagination and without using fancy words. You know, it is almost like my heart hung low to my knees.
I’ll tell you.
I’ve been living a mechanic life for 4 months now and I love it for it is for the very attainment of my ambition. I had my spirits high until I took a ‘break’. Working all day long for a good number of days straight, I never had the time to administer the kind of mental state I was pushing myself into. And then the sophomore party happened, and I being a senior had to give myself a break and manage everything. That’s when I shaved my arms, did manicures and relaxed and I evaluated what was going in and around me. I don’t treat myself for my achievements and I don’t punish myself for the loss, I’ve been staying away from all kind of distractions and overlooking Good guys at college who notice me a lot. I’ve been less and less on phone with my best friend and I am not being a very nice daughter either.
I am the kind of person who believes that these are mere luxuries and I can get to them once I get to my ambition, but I’m also the kind of person who believes that I am losing the best of my college days. And today, both these stupid persons inside my overweight body are at war. So I’m under covers and pretending I’m sick so no one would distract me.
However, I know who is going to win. The person who is obsessed with her ambition will win. I know myself enough to make that judgement. It bothers me when I do not go boxing and do squats, it bothers me when i am not able to write what I want to write and even more when I’m unable to garner readers who would take interest in whatever words I spit on paper. It bothers me when I get drunk and not get up at 5 the next morning. It makes me self critical and I go too hard on myself. I even take the liberty of regarding myself as a complete loser and this is a harmful exercise for my self confidence. So you know now.
I believe that the worst you can do is to be dishonest to your own heart because that same heart will grow into regret and demand answers in the future. So why take that risk?
Knowing what you want is like treading the path of it, and being honest with what you want is like reaching halfway.
Tonight, I’ll let my distractions take a back seat and let both my persons arrive at a conclusion that would suit me the best. I’m sure both my persons will not let me down today.
Because, it bothers me.
Does it bother you too?
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