I’ve been cribbing almost all my life, not that I am 80 years old already but a major part of what I’ve lived, I’ve spent cribbing and complaining and hovering upon things that aren’t attainable or for that matter, are damaged beyond repair. I look myself up in the mirror and I immediately feel crushed under the gargantuan realities that look me right into the eye, I’m fat. I do not have an ideal body, no abs, no toned thigh and no perfect butt. So I spend most of the day cribbing and cursing the body I live in. What even? I hate my hair, I cut them down in a matter of impulse and now I wail over these short residual carcasses of my long locks so I spend most of the day staring at other women’s locks and cribbing even harder. That’s all I’ve done all my life, felt empty because of things I do not have or regret most of the decisions I’ve made for myself in a well-planned manner or out of being the desperate-impulsive-passionate person that I am. Ugh. No matter how strong a woman I portray myself to be in front of the world, it all just comes down to the factual reality that lies under my skin. This is not me.
Just two days back, while I was in my class at school, I got a call from the administration asking me to report to the department office immediately. As I entered the room filled with a good 5-7 people, I was met with sympathetic eyes, some people hung their heads low. I was baffled and I hadn’t seen what was coming. The man in charge of the desk told me that my family had called to inform that my father had passed away. My world literally crashed around me given the kind of bond that I share with my father. He is the only best friend that I have and mere words would not suffice my love for that person. My hands started shaking, I was cold. Colder than the ice. I was yelling at them, asking them re-check if the call was for me. I called my mom, my dad, my granny but to no avail. Nobody took the call. I almost believed what was confronted upon me and started crying like this was it. Like everything was falling apart in tandem. Just then, a woman came rushing towards me grasped my hands and told me that It was a misunderstanding, the call was for some other girl with the same name. I looked at her in horror, unable to comprehend what had just happened with me. I cried even harder. I couldn’t move for about 30 minutes. I hadn’t talked to my dad in two days, I was 540 miles away from him and this awkward confrontation had rendered me lifeless for the whole day. When I regained consciousness, I called my father to know that he was healthy and hearty! It was a very deep trauma. It took 2 days for me to come out of it.
I stopped cribbing. There are things that are so much more important than what appears on the outside. It is a deluge. Everything is in place as long as you have those who will have your back no matter what. I call dad two times everyday now. His voice satisfies every cell of my body. He is my world. He’s everything. And I don’t need anything else as long as I can have him.