I am uncomfortable in my own skin. There is a voice that starts from the bottom of my belly but fails to reach my mouth, it gets stuck somewhere in the backside of my throat. My body mechanics has started betraying me as well, the tears do well up in my eyes but they refuse to fall. I’ve trapped myself in my eyes. I’m not sure I’ll get to you but you get to me.
I want to scream until every part of my body hurts, I want my heart to have an orgasm. I want to scream so loud that the universe is blown away into a black hole. I think that would be my safe valve. I have so much fire inside me that the world might burn down to ashes if I open up to it. I want to bleach myself black because I like it, I don’t want you to touch me. Not today.
I feel there are mosses clinging to my skin, biting me in tandem. I want to shrug them off but my hands won’t reach the middle of my back, there,where my energies rest. So I let them be, they’re starting to become friends with my body. They are consuming me, whole of me, slowly.
Have you ever tried running so fast that you feel you could die? Like you could be so tired and your body won’t make up for the energy you lost? Like if you lie down, you’d never be able to get up. Does that scare you? Because it does not scare me anymore.
I feel like the walls of my stomach will burst with everything that I’ve hidden there, away from my mind and heart. I feel like there’s an enormous space inside me, empty and wild. I am surprised how I started paying that kind of attention to myself, my void was better when I didn’t know it existed.
I’m closing my eyes tonight like I close them everyday. I hope tomorrow will bring a new life for I’m willing to wait. I refuse to quit. Even if it is a sad life, it is mine. After all, the grass is greener where we water it. I’m not dying, not today.